Wednesday, May 26, 2004
It's So Crazy it Just Might Work
Lately I've been noticing that more and more of my contemporaries are listening to talk radio in an attempt to escape the monotony of top forty radio. Fewer and fewer people care who thinks they’ll be the next Beatles. In the Toronto area there is CFRB1010 AM, which features an entertaining cast, my favourite of whom is John Moore. Recently Mr. Moore has been doing quizzes with his listeners, inspired by the type of questionnaire given to those seeking asylum in Canada for fear of being persecuted for homosexuality in their own countries. Some of these people are being sent back to their countries for not being “gay enough.”
Obviously this is a serious issue, but this is not a place where I want to wax poetic, or philosophic, about all of the mouth-breathers out there who can’t let people live in peace. I want to talk about a radio program that made me chuckle. Having observed the fact that I consider this a pertinent issue, and that I am sensitive and savvy we can get down to the funny side of homosexuality: stereotyping.
The questionnaire that John Moore developed for his show is really quite fun, and I've started to use it as a way of screening potential boyfriends. What girl hasn't secretly feared becoming attached to someone only to find out during the relationship, or else years later, that he's gay? It's happened to people I know, I bet it's happened to people you know too. There have been times when I've been considering someone, or have found myself interested in someone but have held back because of being slightly unsure, of sensing that something wasn't quite between us (if you know what I’m sayin’ right here). Maybe it was because he was too neat, too articulate, or a little too sensitive. Or maybe his collection of scented candles and knick-knacks surpassed my own. These are the little things that can drive a wedge between two hopeful romantics. By utilising John Moore's quiz, prospective couples can have fun and learn about their orientation at the same time. There is only one area in which the questionnaire falls short. It only applies to men, not to women. At the end of my John Moore recap I'll provide a potential questionnaire for women so that men can determine whether or not the young lady in his life plays for her own team. Feel free to send me your suggestions.
The Questions
1. What two words would you use to come up with a new name for white paint?
2. Who was your favourite Golden Girl?
3. Have you ever used another word to describe a shirt?
4. What are Manola Blahniks?
5. Have you ever shaved an area of your body below your neck?
6. Do you know a woman who owns a potter's wheel?
7. What's your favourite movie?
When listening to the guys give answers to these questions it wasn't too hard to figure out who was gay , and who was straight. Straight men don’t say “top,” don’t know who the Golden Girls are, and would not admit to having shaved below their neck unless undergoing torture.
What could we ask the women that would be helpful for the gents out there?
The Questions - and the Answer Key
Q - How many items of plaid clothing do you own?
A - Any more than three, and if they aren't underpants, or pjs, are strongly indicative of same sex orientation.
Q - Explain "off-side" in terms anyone can understand. Can you recognize it when it's happening?
A - This one is tricky, because there are some sports' loving gals out there, but, by in large, if you understand off-side and can both explain AND recognize it, you're not into riding the bologna pony.
Q - Do you REALLY like Catherine Zeta-Jones?
A - Duh.
Q - Would you serve it up for any one of the following men: Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, Sean Connery, Jude Law, Denzel Washington, Bradley Whitford (personal favourite), Benjamin Bratt, Prince William, Lenny Kravitz, or Harrison Ford?
A - If there isn't one person on that list you'd shag rotten, well, then....
Q - What kind of car do you drive?
A - If the answer contains too many specifics about design or function you are likely gay.
Q - Do you prefer having sex with women more than men?
A - The answer to this question could be particularly revealing.
Q - Have you ever made out with another girl in a bar for any other reason than to attract the notice of horny post-pubescent men?
A - Shockingly, a highly successful way to instigate a booty call. Though who could vouch for the quality of transaction with whatever it is you'd pick up?
Q - How many pairs of shoes do you own? How many of them are either work boots or cross trainers?
A - If ALL of a woman’s shoes are athletic, you have to wonder. If all of the shoes are steel-toed, well…
Clearly all of these questions are wildly stereotypical and certainly offensive. That's what makes them so fun. I loved asking some of my cyber pals those questions to get to know them better. I always went with the Golden Girl question because I once dated someone who was obsessed with that show. Of the two men I asked the question to, one said "Blanche, 'cause she was such a horny old broad," and the other said "Bea Arthur, but only when she wore her thong and hooker pumps."
Lately I've been noticing that more and more of my contemporaries are listening to talk radio in an attempt to escape the monotony of top forty radio. Fewer and fewer people care who thinks they’ll be the next Beatles. In the Toronto area there is CFRB1010 AM, which features an entertaining cast, my favourite of whom is John Moore. Recently Mr. Moore has been doing quizzes with his listeners, inspired by the type of questionnaire given to those seeking asylum in Canada for fear of being persecuted for homosexuality in their own countries. Some of these people are being sent back to their countries for not being “gay enough.”
Obviously this is a serious issue, but this is not a place where I want to wax poetic, or philosophic, about all of the mouth-breathers out there who can’t let people live in peace. I want to talk about a radio program that made me chuckle. Having observed the fact that I consider this a pertinent issue, and that I am sensitive and savvy we can get down to the funny side of homosexuality: stereotyping.
The questionnaire that John Moore developed for his show is really quite fun, and I've started to use it as a way of screening potential boyfriends. What girl hasn't secretly feared becoming attached to someone only to find out during the relationship, or else years later, that he's gay? It's happened to people I know, I bet it's happened to people you know too. There have been times when I've been considering someone, or have found myself interested in someone but have held back because of being slightly unsure, of sensing that something wasn't quite between us (if you know what I’m sayin’ right here). Maybe it was because he was too neat, too articulate, or a little too sensitive. Or maybe his collection of scented candles and knick-knacks surpassed my own. These are the little things that can drive a wedge between two hopeful romantics. By utilising John Moore's quiz, prospective couples can have fun and learn about their orientation at the same time. There is only one area in which the questionnaire falls short. It only applies to men, not to women. At the end of my John Moore recap I'll provide a potential questionnaire for women so that men can determine whether or not the young lady in his life plays for her own team. Feel free to send me your suggestions.
The Questions
1. What two words would you use to come up with a new name for white paint?
2. Who was your favourite Golden Girl?
3. Have you ever used another word to describe a shirt?
4. What are Manola Blahniks?
5. Have you ever shaved an area of your body below your neck?
6. Do you know a woman who owns a potter's wheel?
7. What's your favourite movie?
When listening to the guys give answers to these questions it wasn't too hard to figure out who was gay , and who was straight. Straight men don’t say “top,” don’t know who the Golden Girls are, and would not admit to having shaved below their neck unless undergoing torture.
What could we ask the women that would be helpful for the gents out there?
The Questions - and the Answer Key
Q - How many items of plaid clothing do you own?
A - Any more than three, and if they aren't underpants, or pjs, are strongly indicative of same sex orientation.
Q - Explain "off-side" in terms anyone can understand. Can you recognize it when it's happening?
A - This one is tricky, because there are some sports' loving gals out there, but, by in large, if you understand off-side and can both explain AND recognize it, you're not into riding the bologna pony.
Q - Do you REALLY like Catherine Zeta-Jones?
A - Duh.
Q - Would you serve it up for any one of the following men: Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, Sean Connery, Jude Law, Denzel Washington, Bradley Whitford (personal favourite), Benjamin Bratt, Prince William, Lenny Kravitz, or Harrison Ford?
A - If there isn't one person on that list you'd shag rotten, well, then....
Q - What kind of car do you drive?
A - If the answer contains too many specifics about design or function you are likely gay.
Q - Do you prefer having sex with women more than men?
A - The answer to this question could be particularly revealing.
Q - Have you ever made out with another girl in a bar for any other reason than to attract the notice of horny post-pubescent men?
A - Shockingly, a highly successful way to instigate a booty call. Though who could vouch for the quality of transaction with whatever it is you'd pick up?
Q - How many pairs of shoes do you own? How many of them are either work boots or cross trainers?
A - If ALL of a woman’s shoes are athletic, you have to wonder. If all of the shoes are steel-toed, well…
Clearly all of these questions are wildly stereotypical and certainly offensive. That's what makes them so fun. I loved asking some of my cyber pals those questions to get to know them better. I always went with the Golden Girl question because I once dated someone who was obsessed with that show. Of the two men I asked the question to, one said "Blanche, 'cause she was such a horny old broad," and the other said "Bea Arthur, but only when she wore her thong and hooker pumps."
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