Monday, May 10, 2004
Swimming with Sharks
I recently began online dating, and it’s a very addictive process. It’s much like being at a high school dance and standing hopefully on the sidelines waiting to be coupled off during the slow numbers. At first you hope for whomever you’re “crushing on,” then you hope for someone popular and cute, and then you hope for a mysterious, previously unnoticed, hot stranger. After that, pretty much any mutant will do as long as you’re not the only one unpaired. You hate to put yourself through this, but you can’t resist going to the dances with all of that potential for drama.
First of all, there’s creating the profile. You want to make yourself seem as desirable as possible, so you don’t want to include such information as, “when I get busy or distracted I routinely forget to put on deodorant.” Everyone seems to put the same things in these profiles “Hi, there’s an original opening line. Let’s see….a little about me. Well, I’m (blah blah blah) and I’m looking for someone fun and nice to have new experiences with.” As opposed to the rest of us who only want boring kitten-drowners.
Later in these profiles they get a bit more specific, and I have to say, the men of the Greater Toronto Area have some pretty high expectations from the girls out there. “I’m looking for someone fun, fit and attractive. You are an adventurous, spontaneous free spirit, who isn’t scared of trying new things. You are career oriented, but not a workaholic. You have goals and you’re working toward them. You aren’t high-maintenance, but you are graceful and have a sense of style. You should be independent, confident, and nurturing. You like kids, dogs, watching sports, running marathons for charitable organizations, while baking chocolate chip cookies and performing oral sex with the power and stamina of a Hoover vacuum. You will not make faces about the taste, either, but loudly exclaim that it is the nectar of the gods! Oh, and you should own your own house.”
I think I wrote in mine that I was looking for someone kind with a good sense of humour.
I’ve had a certain amount of success with Lavalife and I’m corresponding with a few likely looking gentlemen. I’m clearly not very good at this, though, as some of my intendeds keep ceasing correspondence with me. I keep asking, what I think are, interesting and thought provoking questions (explain why the only Cosby Show rerun you ever see is the one where all the kids do a lip sync routine for the grandparents’ anniversary? What’s your favourite kind of cheese?). When I answer their questions I tend to provide a lot of information. Maybe too much. Is it wrong to tell a boy you don’t know very well that you’d have sex with certain female celebrities if they showed any interest in you? This might make me look a little skanky. One of my cyber-harem did mention he was recently separated from his wife of four years. God, what if it’s a Ross-like situation and she turned out to be a lesbian? Then I jokingly say I’d hop on Jennifer Garner if she didn’t have man-hands and showed any interest in me whatsoever? Definitely need to start inserting a filter into my conversations.
He hasn’t replied to that last email. It’s really too bad, because he seemed sort of sweet. That being said, I wasn’t too psyched about starting things up with a recently separated person. We all know the dangers inherent in that sort of situation. Come to think of it, he didn’t say he was divorced, just separated. Perhaps my verbal diarrhea was Fate’s way of helping me dodge a bullet. People in the “Intimate Encounters” section regularly troll for extra-marital affairs on Lavalife. But details on that story will have to wait for another day.
I recently began online dating, and it’s a very addictive process. It’s much like being at a high school dance and standing hopefully on the sidelines waiting to be coupled off during the slow numbers. At first you hope for whomever you’re “crushing on,” then you hope for someone popular and cute, and then you hope for a mysterious, previously unnoticed, hot stranger. After that, pretty much any mutant will do as long as you’re not the only one unpaired. You hate to put yourself through this, but you can’t resist going to the dances with all of that potential for drama.
First of all, there’s creating the profile. You want to make yourself seem as desirable as possible, so you don’t want to include such information as, “when I get busy or distracted I routinely forget to put on deodorant.” Everyone seems to put the same things in these profiles “Hi, there’s an original opening line. Let’s see….a little about me. Well, I’m (blah blah blah) and I’m looking for someone fun and nice to have new experiences with.” As opposed to the rest of us who only want boring kitten-drowners.
Later in these profiles they get a bit more specific, and I have to say, the men of the Greater Toronto Area have some pretty high expectations from the girls out there. “I’m looking for someone fun, fit and attractive. You are an adventurous, spontaneous free spirit, who isn’t scared of trying new things. You are career oriented, but not a workaholic. You have goals and you’re working toward them. You aren’t high-maintenance, but you are graceful and have a sense of style. You should be independent, confident, and nurturing. You like kids, dogs, watching sports, running marathons for charitable organizations, while baking chocolate chip cookies and performing oral sex with the power and stamina of a Hoover vacuum. You will not make faces about the taste, either, but loudly exclaim that it is the nectar of the gods! Oh, and you should own your own house.”
I think I wrote in mine that I was looking for someone kind with a good sense of humour.
I’ve had a certain amount of success with Lavalife and I’m corresponding with a few likely looking gentlemen. I’m clearly not very good at this, though, as some of my intendeds keep ceasing correspondence with me. I keep asking, what I think are, interesting and thought provoking questions (explain why the only Cosby Show rerun you ever see is the one where all the kids do a lip sync routine for the grandparents’ anniversary? What’s your favourite kind of cheese?). When I answer their questions I tend to provide a lot of information. Maybe too much. Is it wrong to tell a boy you don’t know very well that you’d have sex with certain female celebrities if they showed any interest in you? This might make me look a little skanky. One of my cyber-harem did mention he was recently separated from his wife of four years. God, what if it’s a Ross-like situation and she turned out to be a lesbian? Then I jokingly say I’d hop on Jennifer Garner if she didn’t have man-hands and showed any interest in me whatsoever? Definitely need to start inserting a filter into my conversations.
He hasn’t replied to that last email. It’s really too bad, because he seemed sort of sweet. That being said, I wasn’t too psyched about starting things up with a recently separated person. We all know the dangers inherent in that sort of situation. Come to think of it, he didn’t say he was divorced, just separated. Perhaps my verbal diarrhea was Fate’s way of helping me dodge a bullet. People in the “Intimate Encounters” section regularly troll for extra-marital affairs on Lavalife. But details on that story will have to wait for another day.
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